you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my being single is dangerous.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's always time for handjobs
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
