He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
