thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
