I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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