oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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