Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
