I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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