i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
