im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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