It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
