We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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