I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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