I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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