peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
