Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
