No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
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