I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
