i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
