if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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