I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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