So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
