How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
