I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
