dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
