I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
