i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
