can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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