If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
