come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
