He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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