Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
