shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
