So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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