I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
