As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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