So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
