and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
