official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
