is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
