Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
