Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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