You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
