just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think your dad took our porno
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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