So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
