A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
