I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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