I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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