well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
