Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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