I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
