It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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