I think I died a long time ago.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
