Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Threesome in a minivan. New low
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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