New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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