I wish I could teleport
operation have a gay friend backfired
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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