I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
