it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
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he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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