Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
17 Guys Share When Their Parents Found Their Porn Stash
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole