isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually