So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.