If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
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Jk probs not coming. Tequila
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.