Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
